DP is spinning through an identity crisis. Upshot: maybe she identifies as genderqueer, now. I haven’t thought much about this label but sure, it fits as much as any other. She doesn’t identify with many (if any) traditional “feminine” characteristics. I am perhaps the only thing in her life that requires any “feminine” behavior or identity. That’s terrifying. And I don’t want to think I require it, but yes, I like having sex with her. Sometimes (OK, most of the time) intercourse. PIV. You know, that kind of thing. I worry that makes her feel shoved into a “feminine” corner. If it does, this marriage is probably doomed, because without sex we’re two roommates, one of whom is in love with the other, who is in love with one or more other people. Bad situation.

She’s not saying she wants out. She is, however, being very open (yay!) about what she feels, and what she feels is a bit scary to me. She’s saying she wants to make our relationship work, though, and that she does enjoy sex with me, though there’s lots of anxiety leading up to it.

For perhaps the first time she’s said (just a few minutes ago) that she is worried she might be “gay AF” and therefore not very attracted to me. But she also says she enjoys sex with me (I have to say the evidence consistently supports this assertion), and mostly it’s the leading-up stuff that causes anxiety. Okay. Maybe we can work with that.

I sound cheerful, but I’m in our bedroom typing this, kind of shaking, feeling like absolute shit. Moderately intense anxiety, lots of sadness, lots of loss. Normal feelings these past few years, but more intense than usual, I guess. This is scary, and I am trying my best to believe it won’t necessarily end badly.