(From a small and probably nonrepresentative sample of former Mormons)

General Things

1. Shame and guilt shaped every aspect of their lives for multiple decades. They are probably old enough to understand this and they’re probably working on it, but it will affect some aspects of relationships.

2. They grew up balancing multiple contradictions while being told that wasn’t the case.

Sex and Relationships

3. They grew up in a prudish religion, but they probably like sex. A lot (see #2).

4. They probably have some hangups and ignorance about sex (see #1).

5. These people likely spent thousands of hours as adolescents or young adults basically “edging.” Horny young people trying to live a “no touching the interesting bits” rule find ways to make their partners and themselves feel good within (or nearly within) the rules. An hour of clothes-on making out or foreplay with these men might be kind of nice.

6. They probably have some strong benevolent sexist attitudes and behaviors.

7. Hegemonic (sometimes toxic) gender roles shaped their lives, even if they work (or worked) toward gender equality.

8. These men might have a self-focused concept of sexual misconduct (sometimes including sexual coercion or aggression). When an LDS boy or man commits a “sexual sin” (this includes sexual assault, though it is rarely mentioned), the event is most often framed in terms of the consequences to his soul, salvation, worthiness, etc., sometimes with no reference at all to the experience of the other person involved (see #2).

Alcohol and Drugs and Stuff

9. Their relationship to alcohol and drugs is not normal. It might be OK or funny or weird, but it is not normal (see #1).

10. Same as #7 but with swearing (see #1).

11. Also coffee and (black/green) tea.

Masculinity Stuff

12. They probably have an inner voice ruthlessly judging their work ethic, their relationship status, their ability to provide financially/materially for others, the amount of time they spend helping others, their “leadership”, and other masculinity-relevant aspects of their lives (see #1).

13. At any event requiring setting up chairs and tables, these men will shine. They also won’t feel capable of not pitching in and helping.

14. They lived for decades with uncompromising moral standards guiding all aspects of their lives. The “uncompromising moral standards” framework is still in there, like a skeleton inside flesh.

15. They might have the standard old-school masculinity pattern of being unable to express “soft” emotions in many situations.

Political Stuff And Things

16. They probably can’t have a casual relationship with authoritarianism. Maybe they’re still authoritarian; maybe they’re anarchist; their relationship to authority is not neutral.

17. They probably don’t have a neutral relationship with democracy. The LDS church loudly proclaims that it supports Freedom and America and the Founding Fathers etc. but it also teaches that democracy (even our Great and Holy American Democracy) is a stopgap to be eliminated when Jesus shows up to be king, or whenever a person’s religious feelings conflict with democratic processes or laws. These men grew up with this, whatever they believe now.

18. Basically, they are not apolitical. They might think they are, or say they are, but they are not.

19. It’s likely they don’t have truly neutral opinions about Catholicism (a.k.a. “the Church of the Devil”… not kidding) or Judaism (Mormons are taught they are the “true Jews,” more or less).

20. Their attitudes about education will probably be strong and maybe a little strange. The LDS church strongly supports education (e.g., “The glory of God is intelligence” and the massive investment in higher education). However, church leaders and members also regularly criticize/attack the idea of “too much” education. There is no concrete guidance about when you cross the line from “glory of God” to wickedly over-educated. However, questioning LDS leadership or doctrine means you done went too far. Majoring in the social sciences is a red flag (See #2).

A Few More Things about Being a Former Mormon

21. The word “pride” had a clear, strong, very negative meaning for most of their life (see #1).

22. These men honed and practiced thought policing most of their lives. Mormons are taught that they can sin just by thinking. Daily interactions with other Mormons are heavy in cues about what is OK or not OK to think. This is a very deep habit that doesn’t go away easily (See #1 and #2).

23. These people might be lonely. Whatever else it is, the LDS church is built-in community. Wherever you go, you instantly have friendly faces, a welcoming place to go, a meaningful job to do, and lots of people who will ask questions if you don’t show up one Wednesday night. When a person leaves the church, that all disappears.

24. They likely feel rejected and unloved. The LDS church does not teach its members how to relate positively to non-members, and definitely not to ex-members. These people are now seen, by the vast majority of their family and former friends, as traitors. People they loved for years believe they have made conscious choices to be horrible humans. That leaves a mark (and see the notes about shame and guilt, above).

25. These people probably left for one or more reasons, which will loom large, now. Some of the possibilities:

• They just stopped believing the doctrine. This might be the least problematic option for later relationships. However, that depends on what doctrine they stopped believing. Did they stop believing Joseph Smith was a prophet? That God exists? That slavery was bad?
• They disagreed with specific LDS policies and teachings while still believing the core tenets of the doctrine. As above, it is critical to find out which policies and teachings. Did they object to the way the church treats LGBTQ+ people, or the fact that women can’t hold most leadership positions? Maybe they they thought the church’s restrictions on domestic violence and number of wives was “too woke.” Important to know.
• They had a personal conflict with other members or did not feel welcomed or at home in the church. Again, they might still be LDS in their hearts and minds, and might suddenly one day decide to go back to church.
• They had a “disciplinary” issue with leaders. They might have been excommunicated or disfellowshipped. So much guilt and shame (see #1). These individuals might also still be LDS internally, and might return to membership and orthodoxy fairly suddenly. They are likely to have shame- and authority-related scars for a long time, regardless. Note: disciplinary things can be triggered by at least two different things: “apostasy” (i.e., thinking/believing unacceptable things, or failing to think/believe core things), or “sin” (e.g., having an affair with the Bishop’s wife). It might be helpful to know what led to the disciplinary encounter.

26. These people may have odd areas of knowledge: Christian theology, Jewish history, US history (1800-1900), maybe a few words of Egyptian or Hebrew, some surprising historiographical skills, etc. Some of this knowledge might not be accurate, but a lot of it probably is.

Caveats

• My sample is just me and a couple of guys I know who left the LDS church later in life.
• Everyone in this particular very biased sample is cis-het; I don’t claim to know anything about how this works with LGBTQ+ identifying folks.
• Women who have left the church need a bigger list with a few different items on it, and this list should be made by a woman who left the LDS church. Women probably have a bunch of extra baggage and different experiences because patriarchy.